selling our house, and losing my mind

I’ve been dreading writing this post. I knew the topic was too good to pass up, but somehow putting it down in words seemed to admit what I knew was already true.

I’m going nuts.

It's true. Selling our house has made me crazy. Husband would wholeheartedly agree. (Although he wouldn’t in front of me to spare my feelings and whatever self-respect I might have left.)

It started slowly over time, so that we both barely noticed the insanity creeping upon me. But when Husband asked yesterday – “where are we putting our recyclables now?” and I responded “in the freezer” with a tone of “duh.” Well, there’s just no getting around that. I’ve gone nuts.

We’ve had our condo on the market for a few months now. It started with a For Sale By Owner effort for about a month that only yielded interest from 1 nosy neighbor, 2 crazies, and 3 cheapos.

Next came the Realtor phase, which we’re still in. I happily passed the buck to her, thinking of her as my home-selling savior and worshiping her advice.

But exactly 2 months later, we still have no offers. I’ve chalked it up as out of my hands, and started focusing on the only thing I could control: cleaning.

I figured that we could at least keep the house neat and tidy, it might entice any home-lookers. So that’s what I told myself – “neat and tidy” - but somehow my warped brain translated that into “nuts and nuttier.”

It started innocently, liking making sure the house was vacuumed, the beds were made, and the blinds were open. Then it moved into making sure the counters and sinks were clean, starting a horrible requirement for us to “wipe down” our sinks after each use. Then it moved into smoothing out the wrinkles in our futon (our poor substitute for a couch).

The list of tasks got longer and crazier.

*Lighting a candle – not for romance, of course, but to give a better fragrance throughout the house.

*Putting what I deemed as “smelly” trash in a bag in the freezer until trash pick-up day. (We don’t own a garage, and it seemed like a “logical” place to contain the smell that’s out of sight of any potential buyers. Yes, further evidence of my craziness.)

*Storing our recyclables in the freezer or the refrigerator. (Our recycling bin was stolen last week - that’s a story for another post.)

*Putting a Hawaiian-print beach towel over our laundry basket to hide any dirty clothes. (Heaven forbid if any potential buyers knew that we – gasp! – kept dirty clothes in a dirty clothes hamper!)

*Keeping a variety of “show” items around the house, with the real ones hidden and inconvenient for actual use. Like our “show” rolls of toilet paper that are large and plump on display, with the real raggedy small rolls hidden under the sink. Or like the “show” toothbrush that’s displayed – white and crisp – with my real imperfect purple one concealed under the sink in a cup, next to the imperfect toilet paper roll.

*Hiding bills and other papers in the junk drawer we never had, leaving little room for the silverware and items that actually belong there.

* Avoiding or jumping over carpeted areas after a fresh vacuuming to preserve the "vacuum tracks." The list goes on and on, but I think I’ll stop before I further embarrass myself. I know – it’s all sick and sad.

I tried to shield Husband from my bizarre practices, preferring to keep them as the weird things I did while he was gone. But, he noticed them over time, especially if we got a call that potential buyers were on their way. I’d morph into a tornado of cleanliness, rushing around the house, wiping and cleaning everything in sight, muttering under my breath about the “filth” in the house.

With every new scheme to somehow add more cleanliness (and inconvenience) to our house, I tried to excuse it, by saying “I know this is crazy, but…”

But, there’s no excuse.

It’s all making the temporary studio apartment that we’ll live in when we move look better and better. Sure, it’s only one real room and a bathroom, but think of the joy we’ll have when we finally get to put trash in the trashcan!